MHO Monday Mingle #12 -- Pregnancy!

Starting my week off with a post to keep the blogging mojo flowing and I can't think of a topic more suited to me right now than this week's Monday Mingle from Mothers Helping Others: PREGNANCY. Being in the middle of my third, quite literally, I feel obligated to participate and offer up my two sense on the joys and perils of pregnancy.

This week's theme: Pregnancy

1.  Have you ever been pregnant? If so, do enjoy being pregnant?

I have been pregnant twice and am currently in the middle of my third (possibly my last). Daddy Jay is one of three boys and guess what? All three of mine are boys. Yeah. Go figure...

2.  Do you wish to be pregnant?

Well, I AM pregnant and Yes, I did want to be but there are drawbacks. We knew we wanted to try for more and while we tried for a girl to kind of round things out, there is a bliss to be found in having all boys. It's definitely had some unexpected "side effects", though, and caused some issues that leave me wondering 'What the Hell is wrong with people?'. There's a 'dark side' to this whole pregnancy thing that I'm encountering for the first time & I'm finding that it's something no one really talks about it or the shit it can stir up. Like jealousy. That's something I never dealt with during my other pregnancies and IT SUCKS. 

3. What do you think is the worst part of pregnancy?

Giving up my body to a parasite. I'm one of those unlucky ones that deals with morning sickness constantly because of low blood sugar. Since this is my third pregnancy and because I'm thin, I'm already aching and sore. My feet swell. I have heartburn and a back ache that never goes away. My belly is already HUGE and there's still a whole trimester to get through.

4. What is the best part of pregnancy?

Sure feeling the baby move around in there is pretty cool and incredibly surreal but my favorite thing about being pregnant are the BOOBS. Before this pregnancy, I was rocking an A cup on a GOOD DAY but thanks to baby, I've jumped up to a C already. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's no Pamela Anderson status but for me, it feels great to actually HAVE boobs. 

5. What advice would you give those who have never been pregnant? If you haven't been pregnant what question would you ask for those who have been pregnant?

Do not expect it to be perfect. Enjoy the bright and shining moments and try to get through the trouble spots quickly. Pregnancy is a very temporary condition but it's one that has a profound impact on you. If you have a "bad" pregnancy, it haunts you; if you can make your pregnancy as pleasant as possible, you'll probably forget most of the nasty stuff and pretty soon, you'll find yourself wanting to do it all over again!

We choose NOT to spank. Here's why.

This last weekend, I came across a great article about alternative 'disciplinary' tools to use in place of spanking and, being that we're a family who has forgone spanking, I shared it on my page.

I was not expecting to get the reaction I did.

It was not good.

I was floored. Really?? I'm a bad mom because I don't want to hit my kids? Are you kidding me?? Are we still that primitive? Sure, your parents may have spanked you. Maybe your grandparents used a switch on them. That doesn't make it okay. At all.

Times change. We learn new things. We change and evolve. So should the way we raise our kids. We aren't sending our daughters off to get married at 12 and 13. We don't reserve education for our sons alone. We have learned the brains of infants are much more malleable than we had ever believed possible. Science has proven that sustained physical punishment has caused brain damage. Yes, brain damage.

Don't believe me? Here's an example of what Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in relationship-based parenting, has to say about spanking.

"A 2012 study reviewed the previous two decades of research and confirmed that children who are spanked have less gray matter in their brains, and are more likely to exhibit depression, anxiety, drug use, and aggression as they get older. The only positive outcome that's ever been shown from corporal punishment is immediate compliance; however, corporal punishment is associated with less long-term compliance. Corporal punishment has repeatedly been linked with nine other negative outcomes, including increased rates of aggression, delinquency, mental health problems, and problems in relationships with their parents."

Read the whole article for yourself here. No, really. Read it. Even if you do believe me.

Think about it like this; childhood is preparing you for adulthood. If you're repeatedly being hit to gain your compliance, what are you likely to do to get others to comply with you & your desires? You just might try hitting them...

I was rarely spanked as a child but I was never really taught how to properly deal with my anger, anxiety or any negative emotions. I learned early on to bottle shit up and I can clearly remember having anxiety attacks as young as 7 and 8 years old. My mom didn't deal with "bad" feelings well and I followed in her footsteps but worse, even. 

My mom and I have only had a few physical confrontations but in my book, one is too many. I remember the first time she ever really hit me and the damage it did to our relationship. My dad was much more of a 'presence'. He hated spanking me; he came from a very abusive family and he felt that spanking was a slippery slope. 

I feel the same way. 

I have anger issues. I have had to learn in adulthood how to deal with my "bad" feelings in a positive, healthy way. It is hard. When I am stressed out, distracted, busy, I get angry faster than I normally would. I'm pregnant and hormonal and that makes it even worse right now. I'm a yeller and a "loud talker" and I can be scary. Straight up.

Moms are not supposed to be scary.

Moms are supposed to be soft and cuddly and occasionally tough but always filled with love, understanding and comfort. 

If I believed spanking was an acceptable form of parenting and punishment, I can see myself using it as an outlet for my anger. I said it and I mean it. I can see myself taking my anger out on my kids through spanking. 

And that scares the fucking shit out of me. 

It should. It's not right. It's horrible. The idea that I am so angry and incapable of dealing with that anger that I would resort to hitting my kids to get it out is disgusting to me and a very real problem for a lot of parents. 

We are here to teach these kids and we are obligated to do better for them than our parents did for us. It's the only way to keep getting better. It's the only way to grow as humans, emotionally & mentally. We are not the primitive cavemen we once were because we learned.  We learned to make tools, to farm & cultivate food. We evolved. We became smarter. 

Aren't we smart enough to see the damage we cause when we use our hands instead of our words? Our kids are smarter than we realize and they are more than capable of thought. They can understand right from wrong when it's explained to them. When they are shown there are consequences for every action, good and bad, they learn. They become capable of thinking for themselves and they make better choices because they see the benefits. 

I want my boys to grow up strong, confident and full of love and self-respect. I don't want them to question themselves or their worth because someone tells them they aren't good enough. I do not want them to be fearful of anyone, at any time. I want them to feel powerful enough to speak out when they see wrong in the world. I want them to stand up for themselves when people treat them badly. I want them to know that love is unconditional; I want to teach them they don't need to be someone else's idea of perfect to be loved, that being themselves is perfect enough. 

I choose to parent in ways that don't resort to physical or corporal punishment and I ask every parent out there to at least look at the other options available out there. It's about being the best parents we can be, right? Don't we owe it to our kids to change if changing is what's best for them? 

I think we do and I hope I'm not alone. Next Monday, April 30th, is Spank Out Day, USA. On this day, parents, guardians & caregivers are encouraged not to hit or spank & to seek out other forms of punishment. Programs are available nationwide; at churches, schools and other community outlets. Sometimes, they're even free or have low-cost options. You can find a link to the Spank Out Day, USA website here. 

For one day, give your hand, and your kids' butts, a rest. It's only one day. 

Here are a few more links to some articles, websites and books I find useful:
How to handle your anger at your child

Positive Parents

Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids

Parenting with Love & Logic

Wordless Wednesday -- Let's get physical...exams.

Doubling up & killing two physicals in one visit

Paxton's "I'm not feeling this" face

Audio test -- I never trust these things...

'SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! E'RYBODY!' 

Spaced Out

Eight years ago, when Jay & I were pregnant with Phoenix, I don't think we had any idea how our little family would eventually grow and shape itself. We knew we were going to be a family, sure; I just don't think we had a set picture of what that family would look like.

We did know one thing: we weren't in a rush to pop out more right away.

Jay is one of three boys, born in three years. His older brother was born in October 1977; Jay was born in March 1979. September of 1980, his little brother was here. I have no idea how his mom did it, physically or mentally, but I knew I wasn't up for it, however she had managed.

We both started to get the baby itch as Phoenix got older and around his third birthday, we knew it was time to give it some serious thought. Four months later, we found out Paxton would be joining us. A lot has happened since Paxton became a part of the family; the move down south, another move and well, lots of growing up.

He was only four months old when we moved down here.

Four months.

He'll never remember Portland and I don't even think he remembers the first house we had, in Orangevale. Where we live now will be where some of his first memories take place. And some of his first memories could very well be of Mom being 'pregnant' (whatever that means to a three year old), but hopefully, he'll have a few memories of life before he became a big brother.

That's one reason why we waited between kids: we wanted to be able to give them all the attention they deserve. With Phoenix in school during the day, Paxton is pretty much an only child til 4 PM, every day. He gets my undivided attention and it's just the two of us. When Jay is home from work, the three of us go on adventures like Jay & I did with Phoenix, before Paxton came about.

Sure, we feel a tinge of guilt Phoenix is missing out on fun times but isn't it important for Paxton to have one-on-one, just-him-and-Mom-and-Dad time? Yes. It is. And we deserve to be able to spend time with just Paxton. These little moments with just one kid give us the chance to really focus on that child. We get to enjoy them fully and it's in those moments you see how similar and how very different your kids truly are. You get to appreciate them as individuals instead of as a whole.

With Paxton getting ready to start preschool in the fall, I know I will have time to dedicate to the new baby, just the two of us. I will have a least a few hours every day with just one little person to care for, to feed & entertain. Then I'll have a few hours with Baby & Paxton before Phoenix gets home from school.

It's like a gradual progression from calm-craziness to crazy-craziness. I'll still get to Crazy Town on the regular but at least it won't be a constant. Hopefully, there will be an ebb & flow.

Being in the middle of this pregnancy, I can say I think it will be my last. It hasn't been particularly hard but it's seemed to snowball faster. I feel bigger, sooner, and I'm just more uncomfortable in general but I can see us following this 3-4 year pattern if we do decide to try for a fourth. It's really been a help to have those few years of adapting to our new human before throwing another new one into the mix. I am so thankful we waited to have Paxton because that time gave us a leg-up we desperately needed with Phoenix's speech & it gave us Paxton.

I'm not committing to anything right now, though; we still have 17 weeks to get through before we meet the newest member of the family and there is no telling what he'll bring to the table. If he is my last baby, I'm okay with it. I think the way we've spaced them out will help me be the best mom I can be, for each of them. I'm hoping it will give me a chance to learn to adapt to each of them as they grow up and change from boys to men. I'm hopeful it will give me time to devote to each of them, to create memories with them because in the end, I want each of them to know how incredibly special each of them is & that without each of them, our family would be vastly different.